Gwen+T

__Anguish Beneath Smiles __ By Gwen Topacio

Chapter 1 - The Gale

 Roaring thunder and claps of lightning deafened me, as the torrential rain pierced my face. The gusts of wind were picking up, and all I could focus on, was keeping her afloat. Looking out frantically into the violent sea of mountainous waves, I pulled on the ship's mainsheet with all my might; but it was no use. The flapping of the sails above me had been overtaken by the wind. Wave after wave, the ship smashed into each one with great force, throwing up a downpour of water onto the decks. I was the only one awake... I felt alone, and powerless. There was nothing I could do against the brutal forces of Mother Nature, that could save her from flipping.



This was supposed to be our vacation. Our getaway. Our time. But no, something had to have gone wrong. Maybe I was just used to it. Used to the feeling of defeat; being absolutely powerless to something I so desperately wish I could control...

 At that moment, the teetering of the ship was becoming more fierce as it lost its rollercoaster momentum. A sudden feeling of urgency crept upon me. This was it. It was all up to me. I was the captain, and now was the time to act like it.

 I dragged myself, and all what felt like fifty pounds of drenched clothing, along the slippery decks of the ship to where the main cabin was. Wobbling about, I grabbed for whatever in my reach to regain balance. My eyes loosely scanned room, keeping an eye out for any changes in the storm patterns above.  //Please be here, please be here//. It felt as if I were searching for a matching pair of socks, in one of my drawers full of clutter. //Please. Please. Please.//

 Frustration was building up, and I started to lose all hope, until I jerked my head back around.

 There it was. In the corner of my eye, the bright orange life-raft lay there in the far corner of the spacious room. Chuckling under my breath as if it were a sigh of relief, I grabbed the raft without hesitation, and darted back above deck. The darkness seemed to have taken over my strike of relief, and the reality of the moment, immediately started to set in again. I looked out to where the main mast stood in its place; Robert, Hayley, and Kate's bodies lay there motionless. They had been knocked out from main-sails boom, earlier on in the storm, and had been lying there unconscious ever since. //Think Erin, think. If there's four of us on the ship, and the life-raft only holds three people, that only leaves one possibility... I have to swim and pull the others in the raft. It only makes sense to.//

Pulling the string on the raft, it instantly inflated itself. I clung onto it with all my strength, as I walked against the icy winds to where my friends lay helpless. Starting with Kate, only because she was the lightest of the three, I gently lifted her into the raft, placing her body in the middle. Robert was next. //Oh geez, why did have to weigh so much. This kid is barely any taller than I am, yet he weighs a ton//! After what felt like five minutes of struggling, I finally managed to plop Robert's body onto the outside of the raft. //Ok, two down, one to go...// Just like Kate, Hayley was a feather compared to Robert. Effortlessly, I placed her into the raft and it was all set.

 //Hmmmm, I should probably grab my backpack. That would definitely come in handy//. Quickly, I walked back to the mast where my pack had been laying. I tossed it into the raft, and immediately pushed it into the choppy sea. //I should strip. I'm not gonna want to have to swim for miles in a full on prep-school uniform//. With my hands numb, and shaking frantically, I had difficulty removing my plastered blazer. I then removed my tie, and my button down, but kept my under shirt on.

//This is it. That water is gonna be hella cold, but none of it is gonna matter when you're in there swimming for the lives of three others//. A million different thoughts swarmed around my head, as I stared into the churning black waves; most of them doubts. I must have stood there for a solid five minutes, before I forced myself to take the plunge. Then it happened. It was more of a slip than a joyful jump into the freezing ocean; but it hit me. The jolt of a thousand knives piercing into every single inch of my body, as I became submerged in the icy water. Desperately, I kicked with all my strength to resurface.

Gasping for air, I looked around to where the life-raft had drifted. It wasn't too far from me. I could do this. I was already doing it. //Just keep kicking, just keep kicking and everything will be okay.// I drifted alongside of the raft, kicking as hard as I could. We needed to get to shore. //Just keep kicking, don't think. Just swim. Keep kicking, keep.//

 It was at that moment were time seemed to have paused, and everything shifted to darkness...

Chapter 2 - Unfamiliar Faces

//<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Wh-, where am I? Oh my God, what happened to me? Why am I soaking wet - and wait, why the hell is my head throbbing so much?! //

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> In confusion, I struggled to pull myself up from the sprawled position of my body.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> The salt of the ocean, and the white granules of sand from the shore plastered my aching body from head to toe. My lips were cracked, and my mouth was having a hard time producing saliva.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> //Must - find - water//. The three words alone sounded exhausting enough, and I knew I didn't have the energy at all. Giving up all attempts to walk, I plopped back down into the hot sand; frustrated.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Cliffs of sculpted rock overtaken by the thick vines of leafy greens, dominated the land, as exotic birdcalls echoed throughout the mountains and into the dense forests ahead. Not knowing how to react to all this, I gazed up into the sky... //Shit. Grey clouds were brewing. This didn't look promising...//

...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> The ear piercing shrill of my father's yell struck terror over our living room, as hestruggled for words. "WHY MUST WE SEND HER TO -- TO SUCH A DAMN - 'SPENSIVE SCHOOL, HUH?! IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE SWIMMIN' IN MONEY <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> HERE! WE'RE BARE -- BARELY CLINGIN'ON!" The sound of an empty can hit the hard wood floors.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> "Shhhh... Baby, can we just talk about about something else? I promise, you'll feel a lot better." My mother's whispering was an attempt to calm down my father, but it was no use. This was his sixth one... <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Sitting on my bedroom floor, hugging my knees, I felt guilty; as if I were a burden to them. Not even this time did I feel any worse. I was becoming numb to the pain. I always wondered how better off they'd be, if I were to never enter their <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> lives. Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash from downstairs, followed by the familiar siren of an ambulance...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">... <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> "ERRINNN! ERIN!" An unfamiliar husky tone echoed on the vacant shores. "ERIN!" Are they talking to me? I turned around looking if anyone else was on the beach. No one. Hesitantly, I responded: "YE - YEAA?" <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> The mysterious boy stumbled in the sand as he started to approach me. //Oh my god, what am I going to do? Do I know him? How does he know me? Wait. Of course he knows me! How else could he know my name?// The problem was, I didn't know who he was...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> In seconds I found myself face-to-face with a very charismatic boy. There was something about his blue eyes, that gave off a confident yet charming demeanor. "I thought I was the only one on this island...", he quivered. "But I sure am relieved to see you here!" I tried not to look puzzled as he spoke. What was I supposed to do? Interrupt him and ask, "Ummm, excuse me, but who are you?" Ya, no thanks. Instead, I played along as naturally as I could.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> "The others are back by the banana trees! Quick follow me!" the muscular boy frantically said, as he quickly lead the way up the shore to where the trees started...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> "Ummm, I don't want to be rude -- but when you say 'the others', who exactly are we talking about?" Stuttering, I had finally built up the courage to ask something.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Without him turning around, I could tell he was confused as to why I had asked such a question... "Hayley and Kate of course... And speaking of, there they are!"

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> "ERINNNNN! We thought we'd never see you again... Where have you been?"

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> It was strange enough that I didn't know who muscular boy was, but on top of everything else, there were two other girls. One of the girls had a solid build, not athletic, but a very square figure and came across as a genuinely sweet girl, where the other seemed a lot more quiet and judgemental. She was a lot taller than me, and her legs looked as thin as my wrists. I found her appearance quite intimidating, as she kept making awkward eye contact with me...

//<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Why don't I know who they are?? Alright, I'll give it a day and if it doesn't come back to me, I'm not sure what I'm going to do... //

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> My thoughts became instantly dominated by the shy girl's outbreak, "Why the hell are we even pretending to be nice to her?! Did the mast honestly hit you guys in head so hard, that you forgot that Erin is the reason we're stuck in this s-..." <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">"Whoaaa, whoaa, whoa there Kate", Muscle boy jumped in; "This isn't Erin's fault at all! No one knew about the storm, and the last time I checked she saved your ass, cause' you can't swim!" Kate took one last glare at muscle boy and Hayley, and an even longer one at me, causing me to squirm a little. And just like that; she was gone.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> It was all too much for me... The storm? The ship? Muscle boy, Hayley, and especially Kate. I didn't know what any of this meant. I had never felt so helpless before, and none of the given puzzle pieces were coming together. <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> I opened my eyes, and I found myself staring into the clear starry skies. The island seemed dead at night, but the twinkling of the stars added a hint of life in the darkness that overwhelmed me. Stretching out my arms on the banks of the ocean, I re-thought what the others had said to me earlier. Laying motionless on the beach, I had come to a conclusion...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 160%;">Chapter 3 - Finality

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">"MUMMMMM, MUMM, MUMMMA!!!! Wake up! Please!" I turned my head around, "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!" Cradling my Mom's limp body in my arms, tears poured down from my face...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">"Uh-uh, she's gonn'be fine. She's'okay," he nervously added. My father's mannerisms were quickly changing as footsteps echoed at our doorstep. "HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?! ARE YOU BLIND?! SHE'S KNOCKED --" It was only a matter of seconds before I too fell into a state of darkness...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">**...** <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Gasping in fright I woke up startled and panicked. It happened again. The nightmare. For three whole months the same nightmare had been reoccurring. Only it wasn't just a bad dream, but a scar I had lived with. The strange thing was that the this memory of mine began the day I washed up on the island...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Sitting amidst the tangle of fallen vines, I peered up at the jungle's canopy. Morning had arrived, and the island would become alive again. The soft light of the sun leaked through the greenery above, and once more something strange had taken place...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Kate's terrifying scream echoed across the island, as I scrambled to keep her quiet. I couldn't live like this anymore; it was time to take action.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Panicking, I reached for the pistol in the back of my shorts while in my other arm I struggled to keep Kate's squirming body still. Her eyes were full of fear, and for a moment I almost gave in... //No. What am I thinking. You've put up with too much over the past two months, you have to do this. Maybe things will get better. No, what am I saying. Things will get better. They have to! I don't know how much I can take anymore...//

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> I gently raised the pistol, aiming the barrel to the back of Kate's head. "Shhhh... Just relax. Once I squeeze the trigger it'll all be over. Think of it as a favour."

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> Kate's squirming turned into a fit as her legs and arms started flailing. With her wiggling under my grip, my trigger finger began to slowly draw back...

//<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> This is it. No regrets. No mercy. //

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;"> The click of the trigger sounded. Once more the island felt empty.

... <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">What was happening to me? All of these memories building up in my head. It was overwhelming! Every flashback I had, shared a similarity to the next. Evil. The darkest moments of my past. I felt like these imperfections in my life were coming back for a purpose. As if each painful experience were a puzzle piece attempting to be put back together. I didn't want to relive those moments, but the weird part was I felt like I already was...

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">Getting up from my trance, I dragged myself to the shore's edge. I felt horrible. Depression, anger, neglect, and loss gnawed at me. I felt trapped. Trapped on this miserable island, trapped in my own dark past, trapped in a life without purpose.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">//I can't do this any longer... I keep saying it, but I'm done. My whole life I lived without ever feeling the slightest bit of love. The thing is I can't remember half of what took place during all those year's, all I can recover from it all, is the same feeling it left me for the past sixteen years. Emptiness.//

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">Tears were welling up in my eyes, and began streaming down my face. I thought of the memory of my drunken father yelling, my mother sobbing endlessly through the nights because she too felt trapped, and I thought of the others who were once here with me... This was it.

<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">I took a long look at the island behind me. For some reason it looked a lot more beautiful than any other day. They were no clouds in the pinky sky, and the only sound that filled the island were the crashing of waves against the shore. But despite all the beauty within it, the island felt lonesome...



<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">I proceeded into the twinkling ocean until the water reached my chest. Without looking back at what I once called paradise, I plunged myself to the bottom of the ocean floor.

//<span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">This is it. No regrets. No more suffering. // <span style="font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 110%;">I closed my eyes, and let my breathing go... At last I had found peace...